I learned a long time ago that people have a very low threshold beyond which they are not open to what they perceive as criticism or anything disagreeable to their current belief system. I also believe that few lives are changed by my personal opinion so I don’t share it freely. In fact I absolutely hate it when someone says “People can’t take me because I keep it real”-or- “Don’t talk to me if you don’t want to hear the truth”-or- “People can’t handle the truth”.

When in fact what these people have to say is nothing more than just their honest opinion.

**NEWS FLASH**

Your honest opinion is not someone else’s truth.

I’ll say it again in case someone missed it.

YOUR HONEST OPINION IS NOT SOMEONE ELSE’S TRUTH.

I rarely tell people exactly how I feel about them or something they said or did, partly because I need time to analyze whether it’s worth saying and what would be the outcome of me mentioning it (It’s called thinking before I speak). But mostly I bite my tongue because I believe what I think of others is none of their business.

If I have a problem with someone, it’s MY problem.

I am not trying to nor am I interested in changing anyone. I figure if the behavior bothers me that much then I should limit my exposure to it. Easy.

It doesn’t mean we’re not friends it means I take responsibility for my own feelings and behavior.

All this brings me to question whether or not I’m really a good friend.  If I consider myself a good friend should I share my opinion or observation of a friend’s bad behavior even if I know my opinion is  above that threshold and wouldn’t be well received if even received at all?

I see no point in arguing with someone when it’s only going to upset one or both of us.  Some people are able to vent, get things off their chest, let it go, and forget about it, I on the other hand don’t let things go that easily. If something is said or done that rubs me the wrong way it’s going to stick with me.

They might be rubber but I am definitely glue…

I can try to forget it and move on but it’s always there… lurking in my subconscious… waiting for me to be reminded of it the next time the behavior shows up and once again be completely and thoroughly aggravated or upset. To which my response is usually to fall back into solitary observation mode.

What do I really have to gain by telling a friend “I disagree with that” if that particular behavior is a part of their overall character?

I’m not interested in trying to change the personality of that person and I’d rather have a root canal than engage in argument for argument’s sake. I make a concerted effort to accept people for who they are and not who I want them to be. And anyway, changing someone would be feat of sorcery and last I checked Hogwarts wasn’t taking applications.

Am I somehow a bad friend by not sharing my (unsolicited) “honest” opinion with someone who is very confident that their behavior is justified and looks to me for acceptance and validation? Even if the behavior in question directly affects me? Do I condone the mis-behavior with my silence? And if I see  limiting myself to exposure by not spending as much time talking or hanging out with that person as the solution to spare myself the hurt, aggravation or anger then are they a bad friend for me?

Unfortunately relationships whether friendly, familial or romantic do not fit in a neat little box that can be easily understood by reading a Wikipedia entry or watching a lifetime movie. People are wonderfully different and every relationship should have its own definition and set of rules to best suit the individuals involved. I think it is an invitation to disappointment to approach each and every relationship with the same narrow minded expectations.  We should spend more time evaluating each situation, how we fit into it and recognize what works and what doesn’t. A few moments of reflection and it should quickly become apparent that what works in one situation will be completely different from what works in another.

Sometimes we are in a position to receive, and sometimes our purpose is to give. It’s not always going to be equal but at some point it should balance out.

Fortunately for me I have complete creative freedom to define where that balance lies for me.