Relationships are not one-size-fits-all and I usually have to alter things to fit me comfortably anyway.

Like any other girl, I’ve always thought marriage and a family is just a fact of life and there’s something wrong with you as a woman if that doesn’t happen for you. At about 13 or 14 years of age I began to sketch wedding dresses, claim houses in magazines and choose baby names.  I imagined 25 would be an ideal age for marriage, then at 23 I thought 30 was probably more reasonable then at 30…

Well, needless to say in the wisdom of age I’m realizing this isn’t necessarily true for me.

When I saw Sex and the City 2 and Carrie and Big decided to spend one weekend a month a part with Carrie returning to her old apartment I immediately thought “What a great idea”!  I really found it could be an ideal scenario for me. I have always thought (or have been conditioned to think) of myself as the kind of person that needs a man’s constant presence, touch and interaction. When I had that on a consistent basis I found it extra-strength annoying. I have come to realize that what I really need is a simple sense of safety and security and I find this security in knowing that someone is always there for me when I need them.

I get  a sense of satisfaction from knowing someone will come and chase lizards out of my house, someone finds me desirable, wants to spend time with me occasionally, is available as arm candy for certain social occasions and most importantly someone isn’t going to need to be breathing down my neck on a constant basis! Ugh!

It bothers me when people know of a couple that has been together for a while and the question is “Why aren’t they married”? I used to think “What’s the holdup”? “He either wants to be with her or he doesn’t –Period”. I now realize that that’s not always the case. Now if one of them wants marriage and the other has a hesitation about or is avoiding commitment for some other reason then that’s a whole different story. But what works for one couple is not what’s going to work for everybody else. As for me the thought of someone sharing my space on a daily basis, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year gives me an anxiety attack.

I actually did experience mild panic when discussing marriage and merging spaces with one young man. Like seriously- heart racing -vision blurry -strong sense of impending doom -overwhelming urge to scream and run…

But I didn’t ‘cause you know…      Me running and screaming would’ve probably hurt his feelings.

I definitely want a long term, committed relationship and as I attend many of my friend’s weddings, help plan their beautiful ceremonies and watch them commit to a lifetime of love I get a warm and fuzzy feeling inside and I am truly happy for them. But I find myself constantly analyzing the concept and questioning how I fit into it. I was in love with the idea but when faced with the reality of having it as a part of my daily routine I found myself clutching my chest, gasping for air and lacing up my running shoes.

As a child I used to feel like I just didn’t fit in anywhere. What others were doing, saying, wearing and thinking never made any sense to me and as I got older I realized the value in being a true individual. I began to embrace that my mind didn’t operate on the same wavelength as the majority and I now realize that this is the perfect opportunity for me to reevaluate all the things in my life that I can now change for the better by recognizing how I was trying to force my square-peg self into the round-hole of a pre-conceived, predetermined societal expectation that for me

simply

doesn’t

fit.